


Are You There?

by mattzerella_sticks



Series: Season 14 Inspired [28]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Amulets, Angry Castiel (Supernatural), Angst, Car rides, Castiel (Supernatural)-centric, Castiel monologues, Coda, Episode: s14e17 Game Night, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, M/M, Raging against God, Self-Acceptance, angry driving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 13:48:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18367265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattzerella_sticks/pseuds/mattzerella_sticks
Summary: Castiel was disappointed Chuck didn't respond - disappointed, but not surprised. Still, he managed to keep a positive attitude when saying goodbye to Anael. On the road back home, back to his Winchester family, however, that mask cracks. He has a long chat with 'Chuck', getting a few things off his chest. Maybe Chuck's absence will help with something...Coda to 14x17 "Game Night"





	Are You There?

**Author's Note:**

> That episode was fine but THAT promo... dashed so many of the fic ideas I had for codas, like:  
> \- a Cas and Anael discussion  
> \- maybe a Nick and Dean thing  
> \- an angsty continuation of Game Night
> 
> Instead, this was the only thing that felt right to me after the episode. Enjoy!

            Cas drove for miles with his eyes glued to the road. There wasn’t much on his mind then the destination, barely any thought needed in finding his way home. But the muscle memory he developed was unwanted for this journey, as he wished his mind could focus on anything else than the amulet dangling from the rearview mirror.

            He hung it there after its weight was too distracting, even from within his trench coat pocket. It may swing into his line of sight every now and then, but it always returned past the edge of his vision.

            Except as he crosses state lines into Kansas, Cas finds himself willingly glancing over at the amulet every now and then. Staring at it. _Glaring_ at it. Driving becomes a Herculean feat now that he’s more aware of the amulet than the road.

            “Always causing a problem, aren’t you?” he says aloud, to no one – to the amulet. To more. “Always a problem but never a solution…” Cas chuckles and shakes his head. “Don’t even know why I’m…” He turns the radio up high, drowning in the guitar riffs and power chords. Seconds pass and he dials it back down to zero.

            “No, no more running away.” Cas’s grip on the steering wheel tightens, and he shifts in his seat. “I’m always… I’m always running away. From so many things… it’s a family thing, isn’t it? Like Father, like son… well no more. The cycle ends here, _Chuck_. Maybe you really can’t hear me. Or maybe you can and as usual can’t be bothered if it doesn’t directly affect _you_. Or if I’m dying! Well, I’m not dead but I need you dammit I _need_ you!” Cas slams his hand across the dashboard.

            “I need you… but you never needed us, have you?” Cas sighs though a clenched jaw. “All we were supposed to do was be the babysitters for your project so you could fly away once the stress became too much. But how were we supposed to know… why were we supposed to care…” He squints, fingers drumming along the wheel, “Is that why you brought me back so many times? Because I was your only angel who did what you wanted? All my existence I’ve been told I was wrong… that I had too much heart, but _you_ made me that way. Why would you do that to me – _only_ me? What I had to suffer through because no one else understood what made me _different_.”

            Rolling his eyes, Cas takes a deep breath. “Well, someone _did_ … he knew me better than I knew myself. _Forgave_ me in ways I never could – still haven’t, really, struggling with it even now. And what am I doing? Testing the bounds of his kindness once more! Risking everything because I thought maybe you’d have a change of heart. When I had _no proof_ to the contrary.”

            “You didn’t even say anything to me when last we met. I was there for your chat with Lucifer but _me_? No… no I didn’t deserve your wisdom. I wouldn’t get your _comfort_. All we shared were awkward glances and half-starts. You could’ve just said ‘hello’ or something acknowledging my existence! Recognize _my_ pain! Ease _my_ burdens! No, Dean walks off towards his doom and you were too busy buddying up with Rowena. Wasn’t I _your_ favorite? The one who couldn’t _die_?”

            “Would you have answered if it wasn’t me calling? Should I have let Anael hold it and make the call? Is that what it takes?” His foot presses harder against the pedal, the wind whipping as he pushes into the hundreds. “I didn’t have much faith left that you would respond… but there was still a shred of it left. But now that’s gone – burned and left to the ashes.”

            His anger, raging furiously across the forest of his mind like a wildfire, immediately suffocates itself into smoke. Cas slows down, car moving along until he idles off the side of the road. He slackens his grip on the wheel, eyes forlorn in their staring match with the amulet.

            “I had really hoped this could be easy… we _deserve_ easy. Sam and Dean, after all they’ve suffered… I didn’t want to worry them more. I didn’t want even myself to worry…” Cas grabs for the amulet, holding it closer to his head. He smirks. “This was never going to work, searching for you was always an excuse. To run away from my problems, believe that my happy ending was one miracle away… I should accept that my time in the sunlight will never come to pass. You need me here, on Earth, watching over your creations.”

            “In a way I should thank you, for teaching me what I _shouldn’t_ be. For being the deadbeat you are so I could find my true family, the people who care about me. Who would never abandon me, and taught me how to not be alone. I’m not going to run from them any longer. I’m… I’m going to run towards them. It might not be in the way I want… Jack soulless, Sam in grief, Dean only a… But we will come together and make it work in our own way. Like we always do.”

            “Lying always has its consequences – whether to yourself or to others, the lies grow and end up hurting people. Hopefully when I tell the truth, it isn’t too late. That is the only hope I can cling to, now. And if that proves better than this failed mission… I won’t be so much as happy as I will be… at _peace_.”

            Cas lets the amulet drop into the footwell, dropping that final connection. He searches inside his pocket, instead, for his phone. Hitting the number one, Cas brings it to his ear as he waits for Dean to pick up.

            It’s always after the second ring. “Dean?” he says, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly for half a beat before falling back into the thin line of exhaustion. “Dean? Yes, I’m… I’m on my way home. Look, listen I – I need to say this first. Will you… okay. Jack, he’s… he’s not well…”

**Author's Note:**

> Chuck: "I keep bringing you back so you and Dean can be together, it's not me making it difficult!"
> 
> Lol, but really I enjoyed this stream of consciousness I wrote for Cas. And given how the writers are, this could definitely happen seeing as we'll only see Cas when he calls Dean, not before.
> 
> What did you think? Drop a kudos/comment below to let me know!


End file.
